Tuesday, February 15, 2005

My valentine's day was a blast until I had to sprint for the bathroom.

Thank you very much.

Some of you may choose to file this under too much information. I'm okay with that. You have the power to click. Click off the blog.

My husband and I decided to travel to the tony part of town for some v-day worthy grub. Mind you, my idea of a night out is to hit the local pizza joint. This local joint is referred to as the place we can eat for "free". In a city filled with over-priced food a $24 dollar meal (including alcohol) is, for all intents and purposes, free. A trip to the chic street is not something we normally do and is a real treat. Unless of course it ends in layers of embarrassment. Layers that I will now add to by telling the world-o-blog.

So, this valentine's we choose to skip the "free" restaurant and head off with our gift certificate in hand. You didn't think we'd go without a bit of supplemental funding, now did you?

We had a lovely dinner eating and drinking hand-in-hand. Our eyes glowed with the reflection of an empty wine bottle. I had the scallops, he had the shrimp. I had the truffle oil baked mozzarella, he had the toasted almond salad. We laughed, we drank, we celebrated our love. We left with the dazed grin of buzzed happiness.

We wandered to the train eager to get home to sleep. Like good married people. Sleep before ten. That is the key to a happy marriage. We waited for the train, and waited and waited. This is where I began to feel a little...um, off.

"Honey, what do you think about taking a cab."

"Well, I guess we could. Why?"

"Well we may have to." This was said in slow motion with lots of feet shuffling with eagerness.

"Oh, uh! MSGs?"

I have an allergy to MSG. It's not pretty. I have learned to live with it. You would be shocked at how many food products contain this ingredient. Amounts of MSG varies from product to product. My reaction is directly proportional to these amounts and occurs almost immediately after consumption. A Chinese dinner would have me screaming for my mama stuck in the bathroom for hours. A salad with some bottled dressing might just have me a bit "uncomfortable".

Typically Italian food doesn't have too much (if any.) Sauces are typically made from scratch. Pasta is flour and water. These scallops must have found their way into a kick-ass party with some canned chicken stock. Either that, or the chef has a fondness for the powered white stuff... (Nevermind that I paid a large amount of money for a meal that used CANNED chicken stock. What kind of self respecting chef...blah...blah...blah)

Our valentine's day went from lovely to a clenched cheek sprint to the toilet.* Those of you who live in a large city with a big tourist base know how utterly futile it is to find a public bathroom and/or an establishment that will allow you to use their bathroom. Luckily my dear, sweet, husband was very familiar with our location and was able to steer me to the holy land. Just-in-freakin-time.

Our marriage almost reached a whole new level of intimacy. One that I hope and pray it will never reach. If it has to I will most certainly be 99 years old without a shred of dignity left.

The beauty of this valentine's day? I realized that no one else in my world would have ever loved me as much as he did at that moment of need.

Honey, this flush is for you.

* credit where credit is due...this phrase is from dooce's old masthead.
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Anonymous Cara said...

Oh my god, honey, I am so sorry. If it's any concellation I was doubled over this morning with the worst gas pains of my life! Okay, I was in my house, but still. I would've loved a good blast!

At least your honey knew where to go - one of a million reasons to keep him. And trust me, if you're gonna stay married, shitting in your pants is the least of the problems that will crop up. Think of that next level of intimacy just like you do going to sleep before ten. It's bound to happen sooner or later - wouldn't you want it to happen when you're in good company?

Again - sorry for the crappy Valentines! At least you made mine happy! L, C

2/15/2005 9:41 PM  
Blogger VI said...


Thank you for sharing.

2/15/2005 9:51 PM  
Anonymous Jean said...

I admit it... I was laughing at your expense but it's not funny. I hope you're feeling better. Sorry your Valentine's Day was ruined.

2/16/2005 4:08 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

You poor thing. That totally sucks about the MSG. Cameron had a wicked soy allergy...what a pain in the butt. That lecithin--or however--you spell it--is horrible. I hope you are feeling better.

2/16/2005 7:50 AM  
Blogger melanie said...

Oh you poor girl! I have been in that position more times than I care to share (including at the Boston Knit Out last Sept. Gah!) Thank heavens your hubby could steer you in the right direction.

For the love of all things poopy, go read Ian's own personal trials: www.ianirwinblog.blogspot.com/2005/02/what-bummer.html

2/16/2005 8:44 AM  
Blogger Gypsymoth4 said...

I had no idea, Wendy! You poor thing! Your post was cringe-worthy and funny, at the same time... that's hard to doo. I mean, do.

2/16/2005 9:49 AM  
Blogger Jackie said...

That's so awful! But, it's one you will laugh about (or at least remember ;) for the rest of your lives...

Sh*t happens. Hee hee.


2/16/2005 10:00 AM  
Blogger Lauren said...

Wendy--I am assuming you told us this story to make us laugh... well, that worked, but I still feel bad for laughing! Sorry that happened to you! Sounds like you have a nice husband though :)

Take care.

2/16/2005 12:12 PM  
Blogger Elisa said...


You're quite the pooper, I mean, trooper. ;)

I want to know one thing. What bathroom did you finally use?

When I have a Now (which means, "I have to go. Now.") I just head toward the nicest, nearest hotel I can find.

2/16/2005 5:44 PM  
Blogger Shelley said...

If you can't share it, where could you share it? It might go without saying, but you could tell your waitperson that you are violently allergic to MSG, so make sure not to serve you any,and pass that along to the chef, or you might lose it right at the table. Might get their attention...and save you cab fare, or worse?

2/16/2005 7:58 PM  

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